Now I know I have a heart, because it’s breaking

My last few days in the Netherlands will be rainy. I’m not disappointed, though, since it’s a very Dutch send-off. I used to get frustrated cycling in these frequent downpours, the cold droplets dripping down my back and blinking against the rain in my eyes, but now it will mask my bitter bitter tears. How’s that for dramatic eh?

Actually, today, on my last day, the sun is out.

Working at Lowlands and saying goodbye to Eventure really made it hit home, sitting in the Lowlounge and chatting to people who I’d just met but wish I had more time to get to know. It was sad. I just wish I had more time. For the last couple of weeks, when I’ve been doing anything, a voice in my head has been constantly reminding me that maybe it will be the last time I do that particular thing in Utrecht. The last time I cycle past the Dom Tower. The last time I hear live music in T’Oude Pothuys. The last time I see that person.

But maybe it won’t be. I know I’ll be back one day. A couple of nights ago I had my going-away party with some people who I have been so honoured to meet and know as my friends now, and we had the nicest night chatting. Dikkie played me some songs on the guitar, sadly without his duet partner Annelotte who couldn’t make it because she was ill.

It was the most bittersweet night.

After the many drinks which I had to try to help me forget that I was leaving (but which, funnily enough, made me get even more emotional), I went to my favourite snack bar for my post-drinking fried food ritual. This was a place where I have a top score on the arcade game, where the proprietor knows me by name and knows my regular order. A place where I have gone after many a great night spent in the city of Utrecht. And I told the man who served me my kaasouffle all those times that it was the last time I’d be eating there before I left, and that he was my favourite snack food guy, and he responded that I was his favourite customer.

Last night I had another lovely send-off with Huub and Paulien. We had a nice dinner and chat while watching some hardcore clips from Lowlands. We spoke about how it was funny that I started my stay in Utrecht there at their house, and that’s where I was at the end. It was hard saying goodbye, but I held back the tears and cycled home for a drink with my housemate. After, I went and sat in Cafe de Stad and had a tea, before going for one last night-time cycle around the city I love. Somewhere I read a quote that it’s a curse to love two countries. And I suppose it’s true. I cycled one of my favourite routes, past the wind mill and along the Oude Gracht, along the canal beside Herenplein, past narrow quiet alleyways and next to the old shuttered houses where roses and potted plants sprawled in front. Over the white wrought-iron and stone bridges, along the Lange Nieuwstraat with its narrow Dutch houses. The church bells rang again as I cycled over the cobblestones and the night air was lit up by the warm glow of the Victorian lamp posts. At the end of the street, the majestic Dom Tower rising up in the distance.

At the start I felt like I would never adjust to this country with its weird people and systems, but now it’s home to me. I don’t know if I can say it was the best year of my life, because I don’t know how you can measure something like that and I’ve had some pretty damn awesome ones, but it was really really close. It wasn’t all easy, but I think it was actually the year that I’m most proud of.  There were a couple of times at the start when I wanted to give up and jump on a flight home, but I didn’t, and I’m glad because I achieved things that I never thought I’d do. Now and for the past while, this has been the sort of life I’ve loved to live. I met so many people who showed me such kindness and who really inspired me. People who I can truly call my friends now. And it really is breaking my heart to be leaving. I just don’t want to do it. But I have to.

So thanks Utrecht and everyone who made this year what it was. Tot ziens for now, but I’ll be back.

 

So here’s a summary of my year spent living in Utrecht:

Things I did:

Saw Riverdance live in Dublin

Introduction weekend #1 in the south of the Netherlands and #2 in Delft

Went to Oktoberfest

Road-tripped to Brussels to see The National

Spent Christmas in Paris

Visited London

Had eight guests visit from home and other places

EGEA exchange to Slovenia

Experienced King’s Night in Utrecht and King’s Day in Amsterdam

Hitchhiked from Utrecht-Copenhagen-Hamburg

Went to Eurovision

Saw Arctic Monkeys and Tame Impala at Finsbury Park

Worked at some cool Dutch festivals (Fortarock, Dreamfields, Defqon 1, Oranjeplein for the World Cup, De Beschaving, De Wereld draait Buiten, Lowlands)

Hitchhiked Utrecht-Luxembourg-Liege

 

What I’ll miss:

The Dutch

The friends who live far from me

The amazing sunsets

Cheap concerts

Cheap, good, strong beer

The freedom

Nice Dutch cops

Canals

Kaassoufle, kaastengels, bitterballen and stroopwaffels

The “no traffic, no traffic lights” rule

The compactness yet vibrancy of the city of Utrecht

The ability to pop over to London/Paris/Denmark/Slovenia/Luxembourg etc. for a weekend

Cycling with the wind in my hair (and no helmet!)

The city festivals

The unexpectedly amplified joy of a sunny day

The Dom Tower

The church bells

Cobblestones

Street drinking

Dutch tolerance

The little cookie you get with every coffee

Those tea boxes

 

What I (probably) won’t miss:

“Poo and view” toilets

The Dutch university system

Dutch bureaucracy

Dutch queues

Slow Dutch service

Dutch weather (wind and rain)

Constant road works and detours

“It’s not possible”

 

Things I learnt:

Don’t start a presentation to a class full of Dutch people with a joke. Don’t even put jokes in anywhere. Stick with cold, hard facts. The Dutch don’t appreciate jokes in presentations

“Pagina” is the Dutch word for “page”

How to cycle carrying an umbrella, and several grocery bags

A few important grown-up life things

I really wish I learnt how to cycle with no hands. But I didn’t.

Now I’m going travelling for a few months and I’m sending my computer home, so maybe you won’t hear from me so often. But I’ll try and check in occasionally. See you all sometime, somewhere.